Ask a million people what failure means to them and I think we mostly have the same general answer. Failure is to not meet an expectation or deadline.
In this sense I failed to make my deadline of Launching ‘I Am Not Listening but Tell Me Anyway’. I failed to get the web site organized and easier to navigate, more friendly for visitors. I failed to get the video promo done for the book. Looking at it, I failed completely. I failed those who poured their hearts into this project.
EXCEPT that I am still alive. Since I am still alive there is still another chance. The book is on my hard drive just waiting for me to push publish onto Amazon. The launch, however, is far from being close to my ideal launch of this amazing project.
As the deadline came closer and closer the angst of overwhelm mounted like a huge mountain of snow just waiting for a Yodeler to fire off even one tiny yodel.
I questioned my ability to physically go the distance to promote our hearts work. I questioned my ability to emotionally go the distance to promote our hearts work.
It happened, the one yodel that brought the entire avalanche down on top of me. I could not get the video software to work, I missed that dead line. Yes, that was the catalyst, the first dreaded Yodel. We had weathered the pain of falling, hurting my leg. We had weathered the gas leak coming into the house. We had weathered all of the amazing rewrites brought about due to loving hearts contributing thoughts about the work. We had even weathered our own insecurities, doubts and lack of self worth but I could not seem to out run that avalanche.
I crumbled, over whelmed by the tons of snow on top of me, unable to free myself or move.
While laying under the snow, waiting for it to either melt or someone come find me there was time to think. What needed to be done? What was missing? It all was me and only me and only I could fix it. Much work went on during that time under the avalanche. I could do one of two things, get stronger and survive or let it crush me and the dream of skiing on top of that snow go.
Then it happened, again as if by the same magic of this imaginary sheet of snow. Just as I had reached out for help to correct the physical issues a letter came. That letter was asking, “where are you”? This brought me to the emotional healing that needed to happen in order to become strong enough to ski. From that point, things happened very quickly within my brain, within my internal world. I found I could reach my hand up out of the snow, which was now not as thick, to wave it around so others could see me, find me, know where I was.
I am still working on becoming strong enough to be everything needed to begin this journey again. When looking at all that has transpired since the failure, I wonder if it was a failure at all? On the surface it looks like a failure but in truth was this period of time strengthening me so I can go the distance with this project? Still healing but getting stronger every day and soon we will be skiing across the snow pack, flying and free. Oh I am certain there will be more avalanches to come BUT perhaps I will be faster, stronger and able to out run them.
See you on the Slopes here in 2015.